We are back to that time of the year when the sun can burn paper without the help of a magnifying glass. Summer 2012 seems hotter than any summer before it, and I for one have become a firm believer in global warming.
Most people are staying at home and complaining about how hot it is, but I think summer is an ideal time to get rich. Since everyone else is so tired and slow, you can make piles of cash if you’re innovative. Here are a few ideas for this summer; I will accept a 10% royalty if any of them work for you.
1. Invent ways to pack trains: It’s a nightmare to get train tickets in summer. Families all across the country decide to visit their relatives halfway across India at the same time, and it is just not possible to get a ticket better than WL 200. The need of the hour is for someone to invent ways to pack more seats into a bay than the traditional 8. Everyone will pay you a commission for these: passengers who get to travel 2000 km to meet their grandparents, TTs who will not be able to walk through the compartments any more and hence will be given free time, beggars who have twice the number of people to beg from.
The only thing is, you’ll have to move quickly. Some people have already started, and their invention is a beauty.
2. Use the power of Nimbu Paani: Lime juice is sold at every street corner in India for Re 1 to Rs 10, depending on which street you visit. But the fact remains that it is criminally underpriced. On a hot day, all you need to do is make a lot of lime juice, buy a cart and find a place in your city which is far from any other lime juice sellers.
After that, paint a sign saying ‘Best lime juice. Rs 100 only’ and wait. Early in the day, people will laugh at you and leave. As the merciless sun climbs to the top of the sky and people faint from the heat, one person will slowly come up to you and order your premium juice. And then the hordes will start coming, and you will be a crorepati in a month.
3. Become an intelligence officer reporting to Sibal/Mamata: Recently, two politicians have come down hard on satirists and cartoonists, and have even arrested a few. But do they truly know of the extent of the satire? There must be thousands of people posting anti-Sibal and anti-Mamata jokes on facebook, and all these evil people must be caught. I will stalk 10,000 profiles a day and inform my leaders, so that I may prosper and that we may jail people committing the heinous crime of writing jokes along with mass murderers like Kasab.
4. Become a hangman: There are lots of criminals on Death Row. India has a vacancy in the ‘Official Hangman’ position. And most youths in India play violent video games, where we do to our enemies what makes hanging look tame in comparison. It all adds up, doesn’t it? We have the skills, we can earn the money.
5. Find the most stupid person in India: who has some money, and bet him/her that KKR will win IPL 5, at whatever odds he/she is willing to give you. Guaranteed money.
6. Create a portable AC room: and walk past every queue in India advertising that you can spend 5 minutes in the AC room. If you find the right queues (admissions offices, RTOs, railway lines) you can become a millionaire quickly and do your bit for society as well!
7. Make the end of the world come early: India TV, the renowned scientific agency, is predicting that the 2012 end of the world will come because of a new Ice Age (they are also predicting deadly comets, earthquakes, volcanoes and asteroids, but let us concentrate on the Ice part of it). If you just tell people that you are planning to cover the world in ice, they will give you any amount of money, especially if they are out of doors and there is no shade nearby. And you are not even doing anything bad, it’s just shifting the end of the world by a few months.